3Ts post break up
Now that we trauma bonded, the least I can do is share some tools, Tips, & tricks that helped me navigate these rough break up waters without capsizing.
Disclaimer: I am not claiming expertise or telling anyone what to do, ask your doctor or whatever. This is my own experience I am choosing to share, and you are to choosing to read.
In the spirit of transparency, last weeks post I felt nervous to share, but the feedback and responses really keep me going. That’s the theme here after all, just keep going. When you feel like you can’t do it alone is probably a good time to surround yourself with the people who keep you going. Lean on them. If you are like me and weary of leaning on someone else, this can be hard, but it is a necessary part of any recovery process. Refer to lesson #3 in previous post, you just do. If you feel like you have nobody to lean on, I suggest 2 things... the first being reevaluating who has access to you, the second being to join Reddit. Everyone there is just waiting to be leaned on, and let’s be honest, sometimes trauma dumping on a stranger feels good. I wouldn’t recommend trauma dumping on your Uber driver though… not that I’ve made that mistake or anything.
Before I get started with some tricks I used, I think it is important to make note and recognize that you are not alone in this process. I do not mean this in an “it could always be worse” way (I hate that shit, by the way. Yeah it could be worse, but it could also be better). I mean this in the sense that a break up can leave you feeling alone and out in the open, failing to realize the open is a populated ocean of broken hearts. You feel so far out of reach with normalcy, but you only need to reach far enough to hold your own hand. You are not alone and you will always have yourself, don’t let a break up take you away from yourself.
Another thought I formulated as an accumulative response to feedback is how similar the worst of break ups are to grieving. In a way, the worst of break ups leave you in a stage of grief. I said in a way, don’t come for me. Similarly, you are experiencing a deep sadness after a traumatic loss. We are on an emotional rollercoaster and do not have our hands and feet inside the ride at all times. There are major differences, though. Perhaps the biggest difference being that this is an enlightening transition disguised as a loss. Another key difference, unlike this person you loved so deeply being gone, this person is likely all up in your life. Especially when you’re doing better… they always seem to sense that, don’t they?
Tools, Tricks, Tips:
-Music therapy is real. Remember that first lesson, taking time to be okay is okay. If you want to listen to sad songs and just cry at first, that is okay. Confession: sometimes I put on sad music just to cry and be sad. This is a peak vibe on a rainy day, looking out the window for extra dramatics. What, my life isn’t the Truman Show? I think my #1 played song on Spotify last year was Heartbreak Anniversary by Giveon. Classic. Lose You To Love Me by Selena Gomez was a big crying song for me too. We can’t stay here too long though, eventually the sad songs just don’t hit the same. This is how you know you are ready to move on to move on music. An example of this would be Thank u, Next by Ariana Grande (her “is she a piece of shit?" status is none of my business, song slaps). Listening to moving on songs like this on repeat gets the lyrics stuck in your head, and even if you are only singing lyrics, they are in your head. So basically, you are thinking of moving on. Girl math. Just a little mind trick I played on myself. Now, you are ready for some “new me, who this?” music. Music that makes you feel like a different person. You are a different person. A strong, healed, bad ass person. A “you done broke up with the wronggggggg person” person. Get in character. Now is when you play that music that you can belt at the top of your lungs Beyonce style or rap B-Rabbit-8-mile-rap-battle style. A few favorites would be Fuck It by Eamon and Be Careful by Cardi B. Oh, and JoJo’s version of Marvin’s Room serves Every. Single. Time. You’re welcome. Sidenote: why yes, I do have a break up playlist on spotify… if you want it, just ask.
-Find analogies in everything, everyday, if for no reason other than to make yourself smile. We love ourselves here, so we love to make ourself smile. Some examples: That road says dead end? Been there. The juice is empty? Yeah, empty like their head. Empty like their head. It’s cloudy? Reminds me of someone I know. Step in a pile of dog shit? Not the worst spot you’ve been. Cleaning all day? At least you aren’t cleaning up after the human tornado. Taking out the gar…. You see where I’m going with this.
-Save or screenshot every inspirational quote you see, regardless of corniness. Also do this with anything that makes you smile or laugh, for no other reason than to smile or laugh every time you see it, you deserve that. Remember earlier we talked about leaning on people? I think it’s equally important to laugh with people, so maybe share these images with those people (or Reddit). When I tell you I have hundreds of screenshots that either inspire me or make me laugh, I am not exaggerating. If anything, I’m downplaying. Some of these I saw, loved, screenshot, and never looked at again. Others, I saw, screenshot, and have read over and over. It was mindless at first. I would see a post I felt deep in my soul and think absofuckinglutely *camera click*. One thing led to another and before I knew it, every site I visited, these inspirational quotes would be all over. Interact with these posts. Smartphones are creepy like that, take advantage of this.
-Write. You saw this one coming. My mind is an olympic runner (look out, Usain Bolt). Sometimes I think I have more thoughts in my head at one time than the average person has in an entire day. My mind is an overflowing jar, impossible to put a lid on. Writing allows me to get thoughts out of my head and into words, whether that be handwritten, typed, or texted into the Notes app on my phone real quick. Getting these thoughts out of my head and into words makes room in that jar, enough room for me to put on the lid. I think this is why a lot of people journal or keep a diary, getting the thoughts out of your head and onto paper, then closing the book and putting it away, is symbolic of closing and putting away a problem. If you don’t like to write, I’d imagine any form of creative expression would work here.
-This next tip is one for my fellow moms… use that MOM STRENGTH! You might not see it, but I know you have it. You have the ability to carry, create, and protect. Emphasis on that last one, protect. Maternal instincts don’t just grow legs and walk away in times of hardship. You had the strength then, and you have the strength now. You just might have to search within a bit harder. When we get a broken heart, we want to shut out the world and cry. The thought of our babies getting a broken heart though, makes us want to protect (at least, it does for me). The thought of our children hurting, in any capacity, ignites a fire to fight. This is the energy you need right now. Fight for yourself, for the little ones that need you. You may want your ex, but you do not need them. You need you, your child needs their parent. The differentiation between need and want is a crucial recognition, not only during break ups, but always. For me and my process, every time I look at my son I feel the strength of 1,000 soldiers and suddenly I am a solider, fighting to protect what I love. Love yourself, protect yourself.
Unfortunately, break ups do not come with an answer sheet. I know this probably wouldn’t make any sense to IKEA, but I am just providing some tools. I don’t have the answers, only a few tips and tricks that worked for me. Of course my healing process has been filled with more extensive coping mechanisms, but these are a few that provided some sort of emotional release. I will leave off with this: healing takes time, and the comeback is always greater than the setback. Until next time, make like Modest Mouse and float on.