Let’s trauma bond
Mending a broken heart while simultaneously learning some of life’s biggest lessons.
Disclaimer: I am not claiming expertise or telling anyone what to do, ask your doctor or whatever. This is my own experience I am choosing to share, and you are to choosing to read.
I was going to start this off by addressing my fellow singletons, but I know quite a few people in relationships that could benefit from the lessons of a heartbreak as well, so call me Oprah because I’m giving free lessons to everybody.
If you don’t know me, I’m Loren. I’m a 31 year old mother still figuring out life after being told I had 6 weeks to live if I did not get an emergency craniotomy when I was 26. Spoiler alert: I had the surgery. At the time, I was planning a wedding. Spoiler alert again: that didn’t happen (hence the title). Just shy of 5 years post op, I am still processing it all, and that’s okay. That lesson, taking time to be okay is okay, is a lesson I am forever practicing and applying to different occurrences in my life. You need a day (or a week) in bed? That’s okay. You need a year (or more) to get over a break up? That’s okay. A little side note, a quick mini prologue if you will, break ups are one of those “one day at a time” things, in my experience. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel differently than I do today, that’s okay. My feelings can change but the things I’ve learned are here to stay. Regardless of anything I share, I am not here with the plan of exposure, but a hope to grow together. With that said, to all my freshly single coparents out there, know that it gets easier. It doesn’t seem like it ever will, but if you trust anything you read here, trust that. The topic of coparenting is for another time, but on that subject is another lesson I learned. A little consideration and kindness go a long way. In the words of Loreli Gilmore, “kindness is just love with it’s work boots on”. Don’t stop being kind because you feel burned, and never stop loving, especially in the face of hate. Oh, and don’t forget to love yourself while you’re at it like I did. Contrary to popular belief, prioritizing yourself in times of healing does not coincide with being inconsiderate to others. I feel like most people don’t know this, but you can actually be acutely selfish without hurting people (crazy). Consider this a life tip more than a lesson. Anyway. A current situation doesn’t erase history, at least it didn’t for me, so that quick jump from love to hate might not work out as planned… but hey, if that’s your method, do you. It is an art, a life skill to be continuously practiced, to be able to say F that, without saying F them. Remaining a good person will work in your favor and will always be more helpful than harmful. Not only during a break up, but in general. More importantly than an exes feelings, dare I say more important than your own feelings (I dare), consider your child’s feelings. I feel that should be obvious, unfortunately it is not. Another topic we will come back to another time.
Everything I am sharing was learned through experience during my most recent break up process. Keyword: process. Break ups are a process and leave you a work in progress. Recovery is not linear and a broken heart requires recovery just like any other wound. Sure, there were other break ups, but in hindsight, those were insignificant. No offense to my high school heartbreaks. The fact my exes before the most recent take me back to high school and I am now 31 years old, gives you an idea of some of the chapters that fill my book of experience. To the kids experiencing their first heartbreak in the family, I see you. To the teenager with a broken heart feeling betrayed by his or her best friends, I see you. To the college kid living in a different zip code than a piece of their heart, I see you. To the single parents feeling lost and confused, I see you. And to the people that feel like they are forced to start over when they thought they were already in the next phase, I see you. I am you.
How the fuck do you move forward when you feel stuck in this quicksand you once called home? You just do. That’s the next lesson, you just do. The first few days, weeks, months in my case (shit take years if you need, we make our own timelines around here), just get through. Cry, eat a carton of ice cream, sleep. Cry, forget to eat anything nutritious, sleep. Repeat. Reference lesson 1, that’s okay. Eventually, you have to pick yourself back up. Nobody is coming to save you and even if they are, putting the power of being picked up in someone else’s hands only puts the power to be dropped in someone else’s hands. Pick yourself up, carry yourself. Personally I see this to be the safest way and it’s better to be safe than sorry, right? People fortunate enough to not live this experience (I say yet, but maybe ever) will wonder how you do it, and to them we say, you just do. Make the conscious decision to get better, and then own it. Make the decision, own the decision, and most importantly, follow through. Whatever it takes.